So I went to class at Highways today for Collective Movement with Kevin Williamson. It was really great. It was very gooey and luscious work. He started as the classes I've taken at Pieter space do - in a circle saying our names, what we do, and what we have to offer. I feel very thankful for my time working through The Artist's Way I felt more capable of dancing for myself and not anybody else. It was great that Kevin also encouraged that mindset before we even began. I overheard him speaking to another dancer after class about wanting to know more about how to reach out into community. She said something that was nice, about how may instead of trying to figure out what works well in other locations it is really about taking a look at what works here in Los Angeles. I am interested in taking it a step further and finding out what is best for you or me as an individual. What is at the heart of why art is important? It changes from artist to artist and again from season to season within each of us. But what does community mean to you? To me, community is really intimate relationship with other people who I value and enjoy. I have been concentrating a lot on quality of work, which is admirable, and I don't want to give that up at least for my own artistic journey. But what about my community's artistic quality? How much do I are? Who do I choose to care about? and why?

I care about Alex, who has similar hang ups as me with judgement, but don't we all really? I don't know, maybe not everybody does...but it is abound in my circle of friends. I care about Alex because we meet eye to eye on integrity. We often meet eye to eye on critical examination and judgement of quality as well, but ultimately I think our mutual respect comes from an integral integrity with which we hold ourselves accountable to. I am interested in finding a space where I can put my integrity into practice. Yes, with my acting and career as a performer, but also with my relationships and how I choose to walk down my path as a human being and creator. Because here's the thing, we all are creators and everything is both original and derivative at the same time (says my wise and wonderful boyfriend, Jim). The question is, where do we put our focus? There is no right answer, and what feels good one moment may feel counter-productive the next! This difference, this sliding of scales that happens within us is what's truly human. We are not fixed beings and there is no great true answer that sticks forever, but the ever-present sliding of scales. Like music or waves they ebb and flow, just as we do...into the timelessness of eternity.

Eternal, that is such a beautiful word. I was lead to integrity. Integrity in what? Integrity in self and what you choose to spend your time on. Or rather, what I choose to invest my time in and on. Process, the act of creating. Brainstorming, laying there with eyes closed taking inventory of self and relating to breath. These are all tools to enlightenment. To knowing that there is one you and yet at the center of you is everything and that everything is everywhere for the asking and it is truth, it is truth, it is resonance, it is the great beyond, and it is right here/right now and cannot be contained though it can be ignored. Open up Open to. Open the door and switch on the light, it is there. All I ask of you is to enjoy the inhale. Enjoy the inhale as much as the other three parts of breath. I am beyond, and I am right here. 

I am excited again about this project. I went through a period of extreme fear during the final stages of releasing LAAC (the dance studio I removed myself as co-owner from), but I feel ready to start peeking back out of my shell in regards to creative development. Last night I went to Dr. Sarah's Thursday night palm reading class and it was very helpful in this regard. She pointed to my right thumb which was bending over backward, the inner/outside knuckle was white with a circle and the rest of the thumb was reddish-pink in color. She said that I had a project that I have been thinking about a lot but there hasn't really been any action yet and she asked me to talk about that My mind went in two directions: class (developing my own training/opening practice), and The Juliet Project. I started with describing TJP and she latched onto that one. She said to be careful about who I talk to very much about it, that it was a great idea that would start with a short film but it would broaden. I said that I felt frozen into inaction because I wasn't sure how big of a scope to go and who to bring on for different roles in the project. Dr. Sarah said that I am a great collaborator and that it would be an all female team. That helped a lot. I know I need to talk to certain women I have in mind about this project. I would ver much like to collaborate with several colleague/friends regarding the feminine, sexuality, self-discovery, transcendence, and self-love. 

This is a story of one girl's discovery of the divine feminine and her struggle to hold onto that despite all odds. Dr. Sarah asked about a monologue. I know that the monologue is indeed the starting point. It is coming to be time to start crafting this piece through words. I want to be very free in my thoughtfulness, to break chains through the act of refinement. I care for craft and impulse, for backbone and intuition. It is time to start putting my beliefs into action regarding my creative spirit and art. I am an actor, I am a filmmaker, I am a healer, and I am transcendent. I do want to be careful that I don't pass stuff off for fear, but that I collaborate and trust through full and rich love and support of the individuals I choose as companions and fellow sisters on this project. It is about love and belief. The project on all levels will be and is representative of this in all capacities and processes of development, creation, and sharing.

I am struggling with wanting to keep this journal reserved for The Juliet Project, vs. opening it up to just use as any new journal for my morning pages. I really like the idea of having a place to come back to for reference on brainstorming and ideas, etc.

Today I am at the second day of the workshop I am taking through Bodytraffic with Sharon Eyal who just started a new company LEV and is performing at REDCAT this weekend. The first our of class was Ga Ga, which has been a very good experience for me. Today, a woman from her company lead class and she was WONDERFUL! It was a very sensual class with a lot of work from our "pika" (the space between your genitals and your asshole). We also did some very frenzied small steps and skipping which I had a resistance to at first, but when we started moving through the room I realized that by putting my focus out farther into the space in front of me and allowing the eating up of the distance to be my driving force it allowed me to be present and honest with the task at hand as opposed to getting lost in not knowing where to gather my impulse from. Sometimes drawing from within is not enough and then you must reach outward to find the "nothing" that the freedom of non-judgement and lack of censoring provides. 

I am home now and I am once again milling over the importance of creating a "company" to establish a platform vs. generating as much like a free floating artist as possible. I want to be a free flowing being - able to move here and there and everywhere. If there is a "company" of sorts I think it is important for it to be project based. Yet perhaps the "study" can be something more? In the way that Ga Ga has become a type of class perhaps what I am looking to develop outside of the project to project basis is a concept for opening oneself. Is it important to call people out on their bullshit? I don't know. Once "they" (artists) get to a certain place in their craft they seem to no longer want to be a student in any way, yet once you transcend to the space and realization that the primary focus is not the text, movement, or content...but is about something more - the experiential, the unseen, the atomic - well, we are all students in this.

It was interesting to talk with the women from LEV after today's workshop. They were seemingly very aware of "the divine" yet their vocabulary only hinted at its existence while their bodies and lack of content gave a clarity that was what they experienced. I wonder if they talk amongst each other about their individual spiritual journeys toward the truth of self. Or if it is an unsaid understanding that the work they do gets them closer and closer to Self with a capital "S" each time?

"You don't have the stomach to do what must be done" (says a boisterous voice in my head). Do I? I don't. Not now. Yet the more I say I don't the more I feel my strength rise. I don't have the strength to do what must be done, therefore I can commit to the minimal amount of effort to get where I need to go. Where I need to go right now is to generate enough research, content, know-how and team to create The Juliet Project. This is my focus. This is what "needs to get done" There is strength in this creation. There is clarity and truth that lies in the process of its creation. I am the creator and I must do what must be done.