The duality of self. The purpose-ness of pleasure. What do we gain by looking at ourselves between two realms, within one mirror? Who are we on either side and to what importance? Can my own sight of self and connection visually to the physical me be both distorted and cathartic at the same time? Can we shape-shift ourselves in body by communing through the window to our own soul? What is it inside us that sees ourselves as "other"? What is it between the mirrored plane that creates a projection, a hologram of the self? We are everywhere and nowhere all at once. We are sight. We are gone...we escape our reality through a lilting rendition of skin and bone. What is skin and bone but energy? Atoms are made of energy. Molecules are made of atoms, cells are made of molecules, and we are made of cellular data - which is unfixed. Which is permeable. Which is heightened, enlightened, expansive Self within a nothingness, a void that is holy.
I rest my soul, I put my soul to rest. I leave this life, I leave this world to find solace, to find completion which is no longer accessible from where I am. I am a phoenix, I will rise on the other side, beaming - a girl on fire. A harbinger has told me what cannot be, and I must follow my true self, for I am meant for joy!
In the other side it is cold and flat to touch. From this other side, I see the pulse within your veins, within my softness there burns a glory.
TO DO/TO CONSIDER:
What is expected of me, and how far am I willing to go to stand up for myself? Is suicide the ultimate middle finger? The self-proclamation and freedom of the soul? Is it giving up? Is more to be gained by extraction of self? What does it meant to be living? What if we took it all away? What would be left? What if we imposed our own beliefs onto others and forced their hand - to lie to themselves about their own personal virtue? What if life is when we truly are asleep and we only wake up after death? What if I made a mound of cotton candy? Pink, and saccharine, and juvenile, but messy and easily destroyed -dissolvable. Does the candy represent the facade of Juliet? Or perhaps her truest self? So fragile to others. What happens to cotton candy when it gets wet...like the wicked witch, it melts.
The psyche vs. will
vs. true Self.
What is fragile? Our connection is fragile, but undeniable - ever present yet breakable in a moment's notice.
I am love.
I am safe.
I am powerful.
I love myself.
I love myself.
Today I bought a portable copy of R&J at Samuel French. I also got this journal and one for Jim with dinosaurs on the cover. I am going to use this book to help me start putting my ideas and thoughts out onto paper in a way that I feel safe and less judgmental of myself and my process. I intend to use this book as a place to explore and swim in the depths of myself, the content, and concepts that excite me about this project.
I keep having images of film. Creating a sort of dance for camera piece. Except I'm hesitant to call it dance for camera. I want to use this project as a way to delve into my acting. I want to use it a a way to propel myself into new territory as an actor. I believe I can do great work and I want it captured. I am interested in creating the circumstances in which I know I can flourish. This has been scary to admit to myself. I have felt pressure from somewhere to put myself on hold, my wants to the back-burner and to give, to invest, to work for something bigger than myself, like a company such as LAAC, or FK. I went offtrack with both of these endeavors. I was not clear or honest with myself as to why I was so desperate for them to succeed. I was not honest that above all else I want to perform - as an actor - that's it. I was not ready to admit to myself and take ownership of the truth that I have the potential to become something and someone I not only am proud of but that I love being. I am going to the depths of my self, like the ocean I used to inhabit in past lives. The expansiveness that exists within me is immense. I pulled out my guitar and old song books last night and cried as I fumbled my way through the songs I wrote in high school. I am going back to that place. That place full of candles, tea, creativity in my room, Billie Holiday, and and enjoyment. Jim came home to candles and Billie and we sat on the couch and talked. Then we just kept sitting and enjoyed the embiance together. It was so lovely. He like it, and that made me feel so good. Like I was sharing a part of myself and he sat in it with me and enjoyed was it was. Simple. Rich. Luscious. Good.
So, for this project: I am exploring what it is that makes Juliet transcend time. Why is it that I connect to her still at 31, but in a different way than I did at 14? Right now, to me Romeo is representative of something more than love. Perhaps real, true, beautiful love, yes - still consist of the things...(okay the "things" I am realizing I haven't explained in writing because I got excited and jumped ahead because I can do so much in my brain in a flash of a second. It takes so long to write something down. I often skip several thoughts that shoot by and were an important part of the journey that needs to be communicated - and I'm practicing my communication). Okay, so...to me Romeo represents self-discovery, humanism, knowing of self. He is a mirror that Juliet can see herself in for the first time. To her parents, she is a child born to be obedient, to be given away. Her role is to serve and obey. She calls the shots so-to-speak with her relationship with Romeo. She is the first to profess her love (which he overhears), she is the one to propose marriage, she is the one to go to Friar Lawrence and say she will either kill herself or that he must provide a solution. She is on fire. She wants self-reliance, she wants someone who will look at her and see her in the Namaste sense of the word. Paris' first words to her are about owning her when they meet outside Friar Lawrence's cell. She tells Romeo in the balcony scene to not swear that he loves her, to just say it. She wants truth - and truth is simple. There's no bullshit in truth. But there is bullshit in politics. Love of self, love of the universe, simplicity, death as re-birth.
Finding Juliet Process Blog